The first part - the admission...

In Step 1 of the Twelve Steps of AA, there are two parts the first part says: "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol" and the second part says: "and that our lives had become unmanageable"

When I decided to head on tackle my sex addiction if that's what I am to call it, I realised that I needed to really get to the cause of the problem, not just deal with the effects - hadn't I already tried doing that so much?

I knew that there was not "one way" to recover because I had succeeded with Bill Fleeman's work on anger without the 12 steps (although his work is openly similar to the 12 steps) and at the same time I have successfully kicked other addictions with the help of the 12 step program and that model of addiction.

Having worked the steps and also having had the experience of years of study of so-called "self help" books, business training, meditation and so forth, as well as the below mentioned anger management workbook which for some part has a relationship to the 12 step programs, but Pathways to Peace is independent body, I knew I must have the answers "in here somewhere" and also had the conviction that God is within and therefore I've everything I need here and now, right now, within me (and without) to recover.

On a basis similar to this I set off to examine myself utterly thoroughly, starting first with the frank admission of my problem, describing it in detail and describing my understanding of the many component contributing factors to the cause of the sexual addiction that had been causing me a lot of problems it would have seemed.

This took the form of believing that I could be guided if not through my own inner knowledge then that of the God power within to ask the right questions and give thorough enough answer as to be able to finally be totally honest, to face my actions and behaviour and to deal with the issues as they are, not as I would have them be, or as the unreality of what goes on in my head would lead me to believe.

So I started asking questions like, what is self esteem? what is shame? what is guilt? and giving examples of where I experience these and tying them to my sexual addiction behaviours, again citing examples. After I had done some very helpful soul searching in this regard, I decided to write my life story as suggested in Fleeman's book at the end of the first chapter. I will share the exact questions I went through on this sexual addiction recovery blog.

This in itself was a tremendously liberating experience and a real break from the pain and monotony of the "active addiction" (which currently I am back in again as I write this I suppose)...at the same time, I pretty much know why this is so. I know that a huge part of the 12 steps is having and sharing step work with a sponsor. In Fleeman's book although a sponsor is not mandatory, it is recommended if a group has been formed. What these two approaches have in common however is that once a life story has been written, eg as a step one, that it is shared with another.

This is where my intuition led me. Now I have written this story and faced myself square on, looking at my life in as much detail as possible in terms of my sexual experiences, behaviour, compulsions, attitudes etc I MUST share it with another. Not to deaden the guilt or shame - because that has already lifted in my honest and frank look at what I've actually done, my real needs and how I may have neglected them in pursuit of the "something better" in sex that does NOT serve as a replacement for these needs, there is little of guilt, more of relief. But I must share this work with another because it will further my commitment to recover and lead a purposeful life and allow myself to become more human by sharing my own humanness with another person. Does that make sense? I'm not sure if it does - but intuitively I knew that this next step was vital. And because I was abroad and did not know who I could trust to share this work with at the time, I left it, and so have gone back to the sexual addiction behaviours again - with the same results as normal it would seem. More about those later...

That's all for now.