Last time I wrote I thought I had made amazing progress having done a rigorous soul searching, get-honest-with-myself session and read through of AA's "Big Book" to try to follow things exactly as that book lays out.
Since my long time away over the summer, in which I "acted out" with several prostitutes, I've not really got back on track and have been using porn about once possibly twice per week.
I've moved forward in my life and there's no doubt I feel blessed and think I've made progress, but my feeling is I just don't want to give up enough to really quit this addiction.
I went to a brothel today. I know God is looking after me because I walked out with all my money and made 2 friends in the process and felt compassion for the hookers and they treat me well after they found I have a Godly side to my personality but the fact is I shouldn't be there in first place.
Anyway, I prayed for God's protection and for God to be with me because I knew that I was not willing enough to totally surrender. If you are searching for recovery from sexual addiction and you are already working a "spiritual program" in a 12 step program, then you may want to use this tip as someone from the "SAA" fellowship once taught me which is to ASK GOD TO BE BY YOUR SIDE AND LOVE YOU AND HOLD YOU EVEN AS YOU KNOWINGLY ACT OUT.
It worked for me this time round because I sincerely wanted God to be with me.
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I've been using a simple prayer:
"Lord, Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me"
... all the time. Even when I'm struggling and when I don't want God there. Especially then.
It almost always changes my attitude and perspective.
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