The first part - the admission...

In Step 1 of the Twelve Steps of AA, there are two parts the first part says: "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol" and the second part says: "and that our lives had become unmanageable"

When I decided to head on tackle my sex addiction if that's what I am to call it, I realised that I needed to really get to the cause of the problem, not just deal with the effects - hadn't I already tried doing that so much?

I knew that there was not "one way" to recover because I had succeeded with Bill Fleeman's work on anger without the 12 steps (although his work is openly similar to the 12 steps) and at the same time I have successfully kicked other addictions with the help of the 12 step program and that model of addiction.

Having worked the steps and also having had the experience of years of study of so-called "self help" books, business training, meditation and so forth, as well as the below mentioned anger management workbook which for some part has a relationship to the 12 step programs, but Pathways to Peace is independent body, I knew I must have the answers "in here somewhere" and also had the conviction that God is within and therefore I've everything I need here and now, right now, within me (and without) to recover.

On a basis similar to this I set off to examine myself utterly thoroughly, starting first with the frank admission of my problem, describing it in detail and describing my understanding of the many component contributing factors to the cause of the sexual addiction that had been causing me a lot of problems it would have seemed.

This took the form of believing that I could be guided if not through my own inner knowledge then that of the God power within to ask the right questions and give thorough enough answer as to be able to finally be totally honest, to face my actions and behaviour and to deal with the issues as they are, not as I would have them be, or as the unreality of what goes on in my head would lead me to believe.

So I started asking questions like, what is self esteem? what is shame? what is guilt? and giving examples of where I experience these and tying them to my sexual addiction behaviours, again citing examples. After I had done some very helpful soul searching in this regard, I decided to write my life story as suggested in Fleeman's book at the end of the first chapter. I will share the exact questions I went through on this sexual addiction recovery blog.

This in itself was a tremendously liberating experience and a real break from the pain and monotony of the "active addiction" (which currently I am back in again as I write this I suppose)...at the same time, I pretty much know why this is so. I know that a huge part of the 12 steps is having and sharing step work with a sponsor. In Fleeman's book although a sponsor is not mandatory, it is recommended if a group has been formed. What these two approaches have in common however is that once a life story has been written, eg as a step one, that it is shared with another.

This is where my intuition led me. Now I have written this story and faced myself square on, looking at my life in as much detail as possible in terms of my sexual experiences, behaviour, compulsions, attitudes etc I MUST share it with another. Not to deaden the guilt or shame - because that has already lifted in my honest and frank look at what I've actually done, my real needs and how I may have neglected them in pursuit of the "something better" in sex that does NOT serve as a replacement for these needs, there is little of guilt, more of relief. But I must share this work with another because it will further my commitment to recover and lead a purposeful life and allow myself to become more human by sharing my own humanness with another person. Does that make sense? I'm not sure if it does - but intuitively I knew that this next step was vital. And because I was abroad and did not know who I could trust to share this work with at the time, I left it, and so have gone back to the sexual addiction behaviours again - with the same results as normal it would seem. More about those later...

That's all for now.

Issues that need to be dealt with...

Again, not an exhaustive list but some of the things I know need work on to cover all bases.

Depression
Anger/rage
Guilt
Shame
Self esteem
Purpose/Mission
Consequences
Goals
Beliefs - mistaken certainties vs. empowering beliefs
God, spirituality, higher power
Meditation, prayer
Forgiveness vs resentment
Selfishness vs love, caring about self and others
Looking after oneself
Amends

Rage & anger and a sex addict...

Recently, after I used the services of a masseuse with "extra services", I realised how badly I really need a "program" in order to recover. I have tried many of the 12 step groups available and even applied myself with fervent might and total surrender but to no avail. I realised also how bad my rage and anger had got especially around my sex addiction. Being married with children and being a sex addict is hard - especially the hurt I have caused myself and of course, others, time and time again, repeatedly, despite "warnings" from every aspect of my inner and outer being. It calls me back, it seems to call me home. But it takes me to a kind of hell really if I'm permitting myself to use a religious term. A place without hope, love or God.

So I decided to really tackle my anger issue first of all. And I attacked it with an amazing program by a guy in USA called Bill Fleeman who has written the book "Pathways to Peace - the Anger Management Workbook" --- and I can say when I've worked the program set out in Bill's book it has successfully, dramatically and powerfully assisted me in overcoming my addiction.

As my addiction to sex kept having a hold, so my anger and rage seemed to get worse. Although I don't know if they're connected - dealing with anger and rage I feel is a priority for me, because it is a very, very destructive form of addictive behaviour which I absolutely must deal with as first priority.

After this time I went to a prostitute, the next day I started putting together a program that will work for the sex addict who doesn't want a 12 step group approach neccessarily, but wants the effectiveness of the twelve steps AND an effective program of recovery. And who better to test it out on but myself. I cannot say that so far I have managed to stay off my addiction with my new program, but I'm 100% confident I can find a way to a meaningful life and happy destiny with the knowledge and experience I do have and the willingness to see it through and to have an open mind as to what others have been through to recover from this kind of problem.

That's all for now.

Problems of sexual addiction...confessions of a sex addict

Here is a brainstormed list of common potential problems for the sex addict as I see them. This is not an exhaustive list.

Pornography
Compulsive masturbation
Seeing prostitutes
Compulsive fantasising
Sex with multiple partners
Sex outside of marriage
Voyeurism
Exhibitionism

Here is how the author is affected by each of the above with examples...

Pornography.

Since I was 19 and I gave up smoking, I have used pornography as a means of escaping reality of insecurity around relationships and uncertainty about getting my needs met to name a couple of the possible reasons. I discovered pornography at school when a pirate video tape was swapped around and was hooked from that time. Although I had breaks from it and always felt very "wrong" - not in a guilt sense so much as in a physical, mental, emotional and spiritual sense. This tends to come in the days after using the pornography. The pleasure gained from "tuning out" of life and reality and tuning in to fantasy is extremely compelling. Despite terrible consequences (I feel as a result of my excessive use of porn) I have gone back to it time and time again. It rarely has failed to give an immense chemical pleasure "hit". I don't particularly care about the morality involved whilst I'm doing it, but there is a conflict of values in that I believe that porn is "wrong" for those involved who are vulnerable and basically have little choice. I used porn today. I know that my pornography use is way beyond "healthy" because of the obsessive nature and the compulsive "must have" lust-need for more and more of the same thing. Considering some "sessions" can last up to 7 hours and in my mind, despite the consequences of depression, ratty/angry "come-down" and feeling utterly perverted and disgusting sometimes, it still calls out to me from within like a temptation that combined with thoughts of low self esteem "my life is crap anyway, what's the point?" that seem out of my control, as the ultimate panacea which for some part of the acting out, it seems to truly be.